My life, My nightmare
by aleigh-cullen
Summary: This is a story I wrote about Bella in New Moon and how she is dealing with HIM leaving and how she has to survive her everyday "life". I hope you read, enjoy and review!


**This is my very first story that I wrote, but I was having some problems with it and had to take it down. **

**This story is about how Bella feels after HE leaves and how she has to go through life now, and as I hope you can tell this is set in New Moon.**

**I hope you enjoy and please please review, it gives me this lovy-dovey fluffy feeling when you do. XD**

_Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga or any other the characters including sadly Edward, all of they belong to Stephenie Meyer but if she is ever feeling generous one day I'll be right there._

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My life has become my worst nightmare. I just left school, I remember when I loved to go because I got to see him and his family. but now, especially in Biologly I just remember I couldn't hold him.

I was never good enough, I knew that, I don't know why I believed him when he told me he loved me. Even though I always knew I wasn't good enough. I mean come on I'm nothing special, I'm not beautiful, I'm ordianry and **human**. I still thought maybe he did love me and that's why when he left I was dying inside as I watched him go. And when I got home everything that he had given me and that could remind me was gone. The only thing forgotten and left behind when they left was me and the stupid radio, I got for my awful birthday, but I couldn't ride in my car with that, it was hard enough to lay in my bed, so I ripped it out.

I will **always** love him and his family but I can't live with reminders, very rarely I think about the good times. But it's hard enough without thinking about it.

I mean he's always on my mind but it hurts worse to think about the times when he told me he loved me.......it always then makes me think about the goodbye. And it wasn't only him that I lost. I lost his family, my happiness, my life, I lost me. It's all with him, as if it was all a dream. He took it all when he walked away that day in the woods. But without him I don't want it.

I'm home now and since Charlie thinks I'm doing homework I have to turn on the radio to drown out my cries.

God, I miss it when I was still numb for those couple of months. Today was a bad day it's getting closer and closer to the anniversary of when I first came to Forks and met him and his family. God, I miss them all, not just him.

Over those six months Alice had become my best friend, Emmett had been like an older brother to me. Carlisle and Esme were like my parents. Even though I didn't really know Jasper, he always helped me when and how he could. Rosalie was a different story, I tried so hard to get her to like me but they told me it probably wouldn't change, maybe just maybe with time, but I don't have any anymore. I still cried for her though, although most, almost **all** of my tears were spent on him.

Oh no! This is why I don't turn on the radio much anymore and threw away my cds', all the songs just remind me of him.

I know since I have started to hang out with Jacob and the pack, I've been more distracted but I still feel like I'm lost.

I don't know what and who to be without him. I don't know how to live and I'm not, my body is still here but everything else that made me, me is with him and always will be. God, this song is only reminding me of what I've lost, my reason for life, my love, my world.

I just got done with my crying, for now, because Charlie said Renee called and wanted me to call her back, and she can tell when I've been crying and I've put her and Charlie through enough.

Today I was remembering, even though it hurts, some days I can't help it. I was thinking about the conversation we had the day we went to the meadow; when I asked him about us being married and he said it wasn't possible. But I thought all that changed after James and the summer. I guess he warned me from the very begining that we could never be together like that.

And I know, everybody knew, he planned on keeping me human. But I thought that could change, I just always thought he loved me and wouldn't want me to die, but that's just it I thought he loved me. But if I knew anything I **thought **it was him, but I guess I was wrong there, too.

And now that he is gone I don't know what to do, how to live, how to breathe. I can't breathe! It feels like there is a weight on my chest and everytime I think of him or them I feel like if I don't hold myself together, I'll break. I can't live this way, I can't survive without him. He is like my air, like I use to think I was his herion. But like I said I was wrong. And now, I can't breathe!

I got passed Renee this time, but next week I won't be able to. I'm laying in bed right now and am of course thinking of him.

The hole in my chest feels like it's opening wider, but all I can think is as long as he is happy, then I'll keep going but only because I promised him and I fon't know what it would do to Charlie and Renee.

He deserves to be happy and if I couldn't make him happy then.....This is how my life or should I say nightmare is now. Me not even being able to finish sentences even in my head because it hurts to much, and not even being able to say or think or hear his name with out breaking down. I don't blame him, for why I am in pain. I know that sounds crazy and maybe I am, I do hear his voice, but it's my fault he told from the begining we couldn't be together forever but I avoided the truth.

Everytime there was a problem, all I would do was dodge and avoid it. I didn't want to see or think about the truth, that I just wasn't good enough for him, he deserves better and somebody of his kind and happiness. He deserves the world, and I just couldn't give that to him.

I lay in bed listening to see if Charlie will come, he is use to it though.

Ever since he left I wake up from a nightmare, although my life is to, screaming. I relive that awful day in my dreams. I don't know how many more times I will have to relive him saying goodbye. Probably for the rest of my life, nightmare.

Yes, I did break my promise of not doing anything dangerous by getting Jake to fix and teach me how to ride the motorcycles. But can I really kill myself, don't get me wrong I've thought about it, especially before I started to go down to La Push.

But I always think of Charlie, Renee, his family (Did they really love and care for me? Or was that just an act like his?) and him, and I can't do it. He may not love me and may never have and he may have left me but I still love him, like I said in the begining my love for him is unconditional and irrevocable. I will always love him and no one else. My heart and soul belong to him even if he doesn't want them.

Not being with him is killing me but as long as he is happy. He comes first, even if I'm not with him, always has, always will. He needs to, has to be happy, it's the only way I can live, if you can call it that, through the day, I can't "live" if he is not happy.

It's Saturday, one of the hardest times is the weekends because I don't have school to keep him off my mind, at least a little.

Luckily I have to work today, Mike finally gave up on trying to bring me back to life, though let's face it only one person can save me, and even his family would only help me coupe not forget.

But he's gone, they're gone, no ones here to save me. I do have Jake and the pack, but they only distract me, they don't erase the truth.

It still hurts and I still can't breathe! He said I wouldn't remember him or his family, that my memories would fade. But there's never a clean break, I will never forget, I want to but only to help with the pain, but I don't because then him and his family will have **completely** disappeared.

I can't breathe!

Because he took everything I'm forbidden to remember, to remember him and them and the happy times, before my birthday, when I was still clueless and naive. But I'm also terrified to forget because I don't want to fully lose him and them. But when I do remember it brings back the pain in my chest and I can't breathe!

But he's gone and I have to. For Charlie and Renee and because I promised him. I feel like I can't breathe, but I have to for him, them and my parents. Because I just have to. But I still can't breathe, and I won't be able to ever again because I don't have him. I don't have my love, my life so now I'm stuck with this nightmare.

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**You have no idea how happy you have made me by simply reading my story, and I want to thank you right now. So thanks! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoy reviews(hint hint).**


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